“I grew up with this small-headed bastard. Brilliant. Unputdownably hilarious. Buy. Pretty please?”
Richard E. Grant
Actor, Author, Screenwriter, Director, Businessman, and Very Average Tennis Player
THE NEED FOR THE VERY SHORT STORY. PART ONE.
Long before Attention Deficit was labelled a disorder, rather than something all interesting children have to some degree, there was the novel.
It was the perfect product for those whose leisure-time options included ordering someone to chop some more wood, embroidering, and having sex with a relative who’d not bathed since the beginning of Autumn.
For the vast majority, the novel was a complete waste of time and flammable material.
But for those who could read, it provided hours of effortless escape from a challenging life of toothache, filth and smelly copulation.
For many, a novel’s value was determined by the likely duration of the distraction as much by the quality of the immersion.
The longer and more engaging the work, the better.
But for that growing modern class of highly stressed, multi tasking, multi-vitamin-infused individuals categorised broadly as ‘busy people’, the novel is, like the four-week holiday and picking up the kids from pre-school yourself, an old-fashioned ‘leisure experience option’ whose ‘opportunity-cost-premium’ is laughably unaffordable.
The simple new truth is that even the short story, like one-day cricket and every opera ever produced, isn’t short enough.
And that’s why I’ve invented the very short story, the bite size, fewer-chew, easier-to-swallow genre which is designed to be suitable until late 2018, at least.
If you get annoyed by elevator doors which don’t start closing until at least two seconds after you’ve pressed the ‘shut doors’ button.
If you think the electronic woman who tells you how many phone messages you have displays an unacceptably poor sense of urgency.
If you avoid buying anything which comes with instructions other than how to remove the packaging quickly.
If the only reason you’d pick up a copy of War and Peace is to determine whether or not your gym membership investment has paid off.
If your answer to a friend’s enquiry about your favourite author results in you nominating a Year 12 prescribed text.
If the last classic novel you actually completed was a Year 12-assigned text or the book a person you were keen to sleep with claimed was their favourite.
If you’d now rather scan the online summarised news headlines than buy a daily newspaper.
If you get impatient waiting for your change at McDonalds. Then this book of very short stories might be just your self heating cup of instant noodles with real chicken colouring.
Most of the stories can be read in between train stops.
Some can be completed during foreplay, even with an Italian.
And in some countries you can complete the entire collection while you’re waiting for a tradesperson to send you the quote they promised the Thursday before last
THE NEED FOR THE VERY SHORT STORY. PART TWO
I like to believe the urban folk tale that, in response to the challenge to write a story in six words, Ernest Hemingway produced:
“For sale. Baby shoes. Never used.”
It is one of only three stories I have read more than once and it’s the only one which moved me to assume the role of literary critic and write a review.
I considered several.
The first read well on at least two levels and was respectful of the great man’s reputation as a great man.
But it was dishonest:
“I imagined a more evocative tale.”
The second was damning but not scathing enough.
“Starts slowly. Never recovers. Stopped reading.”
But in the end I settled for:
“Far too long.”
I wasn’t joking.
The sad tale can be told with less puffery and as much poignancy, with twice the economy.
“Selling. Cot. Unused.”
That’s my suggestion.
I have also explored other ways in which the rambling six word version of Hemingway’s shortest work could be made more interesting, with greater character development, plot complexity and pathos.
Most of my efforts were written during the period from August 1974 to January 2014, and in the last fifteen minutes of that era, in particular, and include:
“For sale. Young girl. Never abused.”
“For hire. Climbing boot. Instructions provided.”
“Wanted. Child’s kidney. Swap for plough.”
Think about them.
Doubtless there will be critics who regard my tampering as no less egregious than adding a crudely rendered, monochrome moustache and forehead scar to the Mona Lisa (which I’ve also done) but as I wrote in my most recent and longest essay on literary critics:
“Show us how it could have been written better.”
SELECT A STORY YOU CAN FINISH IN THE
LIMITED TIME AVAILABLE.
There’s little more frustrating than being seconds away from enjoying a story’s tidy resolution when another selfish passenger bangs on the door while insisting loudly that they also need to use the facility before the plane lands.
To obviate this problem, each story in this volume has been Reading-Time-Rated to help you choose one you can complete before the resuscitation lecture concludes.
Or your child is born.
Or the jury comes back.
Or the dessert finally arrives.
Or the father of the bride’s speech ends.
Or the tradesman turns up.
Or your lover gets off you.
Or the traffic lights change.
The Estimated Reading Time is shown as a symbol at the beginning of each story.
Each symbol is based on the time it took a literate, sober, seated adult, named Craig, to read the story silently and
uninterrupted.
If you’re brighter than Craig, and most of you will be, use the lower figure in the range as your guide.
If you’re Craig or someone who also failed first-year Pharmacy,the higher figure is most likely to apply
Here’s an example of the notification:
VERY SHORT STORY TITLE
The Estimated Reading Time symbol beside the story’s title is designed to help readers identify the kind of activity they can tackle whilst reading the story.
Each symbol should be regarded as a suggestion only and the author and publisher take no responsibility for any accidents,injuries or deaths caused by misinterpreting the symbols as firm directives.
The symbols you will find include:
Designed to be read during orgasm, making it among the world’s more satisfying literary works (Estimated Reading Time 0.08 to 0.1 minutes).
Perfect for bus or train drivers to read while passengers are embarking or disembarking or complaining (Estimated Reading Time 1 to 1.5 minutes).
Ideal to read just before going to sleep, unless you don’t want to go to sleep (Estimated Reading Time 1 to 2 minutes).
Designed specifically for live newsreaders to enjoy during commercial breaks (Estimated Reading Time 2 to 3 minutes).
An excellent length for senior anaesthetists involved in minor organ repair operations (Estimated Reading Time 3 to 5 minutes).
Good for selfish fathers to read out aloud to an undiscriminating small child at bed time (Estimated Reading Time 5 to 6 minutes).
Possible to complete between take-off and the time the‘fasten seat belts’ sign is switched off and the pilot tells
you to keep them on (Estimated Reading Time 6 to 7 minutes).
Suitable for reading on the toilet or while waiting for one to be installed (Estimated Reading Time 8 to 267 minutes).
Just short enough to read while having a few quick drinks before the police arrive (Estimated Reading Time9 to 12 minutes)..
