Eric is a panda.

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An only child who never knew any of the five who claimed to be his father, he is often mistaken for a fanatical Juventus, Collingwood or Newcastle United fan.

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Or a professional referee.

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None is true and it’s not clear which of these misapprehensions is most responsible for his surliness and the chip on each of his otherwise broad shoulders.

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His single mother, Ling Ling, was a gifted eater, sleeper and teacher of early survival behaviours.

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She fed, reared, tickled and doted on Eric until he was eighteen months’ old.

And then left him to fend for himself.

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Were it not for his superficial, cuddly cuteness, like so many with a pleasant appearance, he would have lived far less comfortably than is deserved.

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And like all his claimed fathers, and most other males, handsome or not, he is egoistic, opinionated, irresponsible and an extremely lazy creature of habit.

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He enjoys watching sports he plays badly or not at all.

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And he loves thinking, largely selfishly, about the world affecting his.

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And despite consuming up to thirty-eight kilograms of bamboo a day, he derives far less enjoyment from eating than reading or daydreaming or playing Scrabble.

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Or having sex, ideally with a partner.

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As a member of a more immediately threatened species with perhaps the world’s most boring diet, Eric is perpetually angry and his carefully considered views on humankind are invariably bamboo-fresh, jaundiced and well informed.

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In this respect, he is unlike most humans.

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His position on most matters, in keeping with his sometimes misleading appearance, is black and white.

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There is never any doubt about what Eric believes.

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Or why he invariably can’t understand the options we creators of his (and our) existential crises have foolishly embraced.

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His suggested alternatives are often sensible and helpful.

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And always entertaining to those whose ideas and approaches aren’t being critiqued by him.

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Like many younger Chinese now living outside his country of origin, he speaks and writes and thinks only in English.

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He is self-taught, a regular donor to Wikipedia, and a volunteer to eleven, university panda-breeding research programs.

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Eric is also an accredited table tennis coach who would one day also like to play the game.

"“The funniest, wisest and most irreverent commentator on Substack” - Jesus Christ